28 sept 2006 - Letter from Madurai

"things here continue to progress. Despite a persistent stomach ache, I've gone to yoga twice this week. I dont think i will stay with this teacher, but just getting up and doing yoga on her roof while the sun is rising has been good. I had lunch yesterday with seven students from the U of wisconsin study abroad program. the food they are served in their program house is the tastiest and most varied that i've eaten in Madurai. one girl has a puppy, and playing with it made my entire day.

I experimented with potassium permangangate fruit wash last night, on vague instructions from rajeev [AIF fellowship coordinator, based in Delhi], but without knowing exactly what to do. I moved slowly. I soaked some grapes in the deep purple solution for several minutes. I ate a single grape and waited. Several minutes later my tongue went numb and i started feeling funny. I tried to rationalize the situation, telling myself that even if i had screwed something up, such a small amount wouldn't kill me. I continued eating my dinner, but stopped to write a note describing exactly what i had consumed ("one grape") and how i had prepared the fruit wash mixture ("small amount of crystals diluted with h2o"), just in case i should become poisoned and people came upon the body when i didn't show up to the office or answer my phone for a couple of days.

A woman finally came to clean my apt yesterday morning. She swept and mopped all the floors and cleaned the counters and shelves. the place looks fantastic. Last night i cleaned the dirty, dusty toaster with an old toothbrush. this morning i ate toast with butter and half a canteloupe. Then I watched Oprah (cable TV has become my best friend). She was doing a program on "a day on the inside of american prisons." She sent three 'regular' housewives into a max security women's penitentiary for a day to experience life as inmates. The housewives befriended the inmates and through them the female inmates' stories were told. For some reason, I found the stories unbearably touching. I broke down several times in the space of twenty minutes. watching Oprah. yeah...."

..........

"i don't mean to sound alarmist, btw - i think the whole fruit episode is kind of funny, and i record it for posterity and its comic relief. ditto breakdowns while watching oprah - more a sign of stress and tension relief than anything else. I never breakdown like that, only when in the throws of severe existential trauma.

but that's not bad. rather, i find it interesting. like, i'm having to completely reinvent my conception of my life, and how to do basic things for myself that i'd rather just have someone or a machine or a take out joint do- like how to nourish myself and clean my clothes and apartment out of a single bucket, and i really am doing it by myself with little help from others, hence the trial and error of the fruit wash.

on a certain level this is truly fascinating experience. and i'm probably allowing a lot of room to be melodramatic.

suffice to say, i'll be using boiled water to wash my veggies, now that i have the capacity.

and i bought a house plant. I've never kept plants but always wanted to. but i dont really know how and i've always been afraid i'd kill them. fortunately, theyre cheap here and i can buy them on the roadside. So i'm going to trial and error my way into a big collection, if I can."

22-23 Sept 2006 - Letters from Madurai

23 Sept 2006

"Yah, there's not much doing in Madurai, either, though i imagine it would feel like a big city compared to *****. There's no nightlife here, per se, though there is a great temple and a number of restaurants, which, in addition to just wandering the streets, has been my main form of entertainment. Also, i've been working a ton -- I showed up a week before the deadline on a huge project -- so i've been at the office into the evenings and haven't had much time or energy to go out. My apt is slowly coming together - i finally got a fridge, and the gas/stove was supposedly delivered today. The place is a total mess, though, and largely unfurnished. I'm hoping that a cleaning woman will come on monday.

I am also fortunate that, although i've been working way too much, the work is of high quality, and they know how to make use of me here.

What else is doing with me? I'm trying to find somewhere to do yoga that will fit into my schedule. I have a bike, which i've been using to get around and get a bit of exercise, though the roads still kind of scare me. I've had two tamil lessons, which have made my head spin. Tamil is difficult, though pretty essential here, so hopefully i can learn to speak and read enough to get around and understand what people are talking about. Last night i left the office at 9pm and went to town for north indian food-- i'm not so into s. india, but fortunately there's enough north indian here. After dinner i wandered down the street to a big mosque. It was super trippy-- all these people sleeping in the courtyard, and a bunch of masoleums for dead saint-types, and i was approached by some different people, shown around, interrogated (always tell them, in a circumspect manner, that you don't like G.W. Bush -- they inevitably get around to asking, also in a circumspect manner). I met the Baabaji, and some other guys who offered to give me a Koran in English. Somehow, the experience felt very intense--i was in a place that i wasn't sure i was supposed to be, and i wasn't sure how people would react to my presence. Once it was friendly, i wasn't sure whether it would still be suspicious, or just curious, or else begging for money. They spoke very little english--they would talk among themselvels in Tamil and at last one person would come out with a half-question in english. Major sensory overload.

So that's pretty much what's been going on. I've seen a few other western/white folks running around town, though i haven't really spoken to them yet. The time to make more friends is probably approaching."

22 Sept 2006

"I've had lots of office-related house guests lately. They come to the apt for a couple of hours, smoke a lot of cigarettes, make some noise, and leave their cig butts and empty water bottles strewn all over the place. I don't think people here ever learn to clean up after themselves, since that's what their mothers and wives are for. The other day a group of them ate all my crackers, chocolate and fruit, leaving wrappers and crumbs on the counter and the floor. And, my roach problem is a bit more severe--the other night when i was packing, i spent twenty minutes trying to catch one that was running aroung the crevices of my suitcase. eew. on the positive side, i finally have a working refrigerator. And i've pretty much stopped stressing over the apt thing. There are lots of annoyances, but
whatever.

this morning i went to meet a yoga teacher at 7am. She had a poster on the wall of her meditation room with prayers such as: 'you ask for strength and you receive challenges to overcome' etc. it was kind of nice."

what i'm supposed to be doing here

K asked me what i'm working on in Madurai. Seems a fair question, though a full answer is difficult. So, in the spirit of continued posting to this space, i'm pasting excerpts from our gmail chat.

25 Sept 2006 - J and K, chatting:

16 minutes

1:53 AM K:btw, i read your blog and quite enjoyed it.

i think i would enjoy it even more if you talked more about your work, if that's possible

1:58 AM me: yeah, my work is evolving, so difficult to write about

1:59 AM or rather, like india, it's such a big topic, that it's hard to know where to start

K: the evolution would be interesting to watch

me: basically, i'm working for a very big human rights - they do dalit rights and anti-torture work

2:00 AM K: i have no idea what you are doing

ic

me: so, my main job is to work on this project called "National Project on Preventing of Torture in India"

three year project, 3mil euros

funded by the eu

2:01 AM K: ic

me: combines human rights monitoring and intervention (ie. factfinding and brinign court cases) in ten states throughout the country

K: is there torture going on?

me: everywhere

the core of our work focuses on custodial torture

K: i'm sure a lot of indians wouldnt mind getting tortured for 3mil euros

me: ie. police stations and jails

yah, for sure :)

2:02 AM K: i guess it's you that is getting tortured judging by your blog ;)

ic

me: ya, for sure :

but that's my problem, not the indians'

K: actually, i do know of several human rights abuse cases

mostly involving people getting bullied into voting for the right candidate

bullied hardcore

2:03 AM like getting their eyes gorged out if the dont "behave" and vote nicely

me: the other part of the project is to conduct trainings in the ten states, targeting lawyers, judges, doctors, psychiatrists, police officers and civil society

just to tell them, you know, that torture is bad and all and its against the law

but it's kind of a way of life here

K: ic

okay, sounds like damn good work

2:04 AM me: lots of good laws, but the reality on the ground is very far away from that.

the work is fine. in some ways it's just work, really.

sometimes i wish i just did for-profit business type work

2:05 AM then at least i could actually achieve the goals of the work i was doing

K: yes, indians are good at talking...

me: with this type of work, you'll never really solve anything

K: :)

too bad 9 out of 10 business fail!

me: the real draw is that i get to work with some amazing people

2:06 AM the director of my org is pretty stellar.

K: being an engineer is better. only something like 50% of projects "fail"

me: yah, guess you can

cant win, whatever you do.

might as well hang out in the desert with pretty girls and take lots of drugs

K: really, lots and lots and lots of people would prefer doing your work

2:07 AM me: i know. i'm very lucky to be doing it.

K: well, i think i prefer the latter

me: so the work isn't the hard part

it's just dealing with the fact that i choose to send myself across the world, alone, to god-forsaken corners.

2:08 AM just for sport, really.

and, as you read in my blog, transitions can be a bitch.

Photos!!!

so, i didn't take these--my friend yael did. a bit lame, i know, to link to someone else's flickr collection. Still, she took way more photos of orientation than i did, and she's a much better photograher.

she's posted a bunch of pics from the American India Foundation (AIF) orientation that we had in Delhi during the first two weeks of September.

there are a couple good shots of me playing in the rain somewhere in the middle of the set.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smellslikeshells/sets/72157594303203434/

i'm working on my own flickr acct. i swear.

more old email... foreigner registration, and the details of everyday life

15 sep 06

"An Excellent Day:
first, my visit to the local police station to register went smashingly--all smiles and no fines despite being over my time limit. Moral of the story: be exceedingly courteous to the wannabe important man behind the desk, and he might be nice to you back.

more importantly: i finally got a sim card. my brand-spanking new mobile number is XXXXX-XXXXX. The national roaming plan will hopefully be set up by tomorrow."

"oh, yeah- re: time for permit processing, i wasn't so clear on all that. from what i understood, someone from the central police station may come out to peoples watch to investigate me, and then the processing will continue. possibily wont get my permit for a month. also, i couldnt get a receipt to prove i'd submitted my paperwork. sounds sketch, but i trust the person that went to the station with me, so i'm letting it flow.

in other news, i just acquired a bicycle. it's a forest green one-speed with rainbow-colored, fuzzy toilet brushes squeezed between the spokes. cool. "

back on the scene (crispy and clean)

just returned from two days in Kerala. Henri turned to me out of the blue on monday morning and asked, "can you travel with me this evening?" I said, "uh, sure."

and so it went, overnight suv ride through the foggy western ghats (mtns which separate tamil nadu from kerala) and the rain, and a 6am arrival in Alleppey, center of Keralan backwaters. then, from the car to a small boat, and a ten-minute ride to a small island. Kerala is surely God's country, at least the small corner of it that I got to see -- (though, one of the Keralans from the EU project team assured us that the Devil owns some real estate there, too). The trip was to catch the last two days of a communication training for the EU project teams, so I got to meet representatives from four states (Kerala, Karnataka and Rajasthan, in addition to Tamil Nadu). No time to travel off site, but the view from our backwater island hotel was stellar, and the air soft and sweet.

And the food in Kerala was fantastic! I ate well for the first time in a week, and probably the best food i've had in India so far. Beef stew (Beef!), curry fish, fried masala fish, and big fat keralan red rice. Physically, i'm feeling about as well as i've felt since i arrived, and my stomach/intestines seem (i hope) to have finally adjusted and assumed some level of normalcy. Now, if only i can get a yoga program up and running.

Anyway all this is just to say that things are mellower after two days in the countryside. In my mind, at least. My housing situation is no closer to being solved, but i will hopefully stop stressing about it so much. And I have a better sense of what work will look like, and the flexibility i have to take the off if i need to.

that said, i think i'm very lucky to be in this place. these are lenthy stories for another time, but the short of it is that People's Watch - Tamil Nadu is a pretty amazing org (at least at first glance), and I get a ringside seat to it's inner workings in the form of special attention from and access to Henri, the director, and his wife, Cynthia. This will of course come with its own set of difficulties, but in the end, wow, can't wait. Already, i have no possible way to express my gratitude.

Sometimes, it's a struggle.

Yes, i know, hard to believe, but this traveling business ain't all monkeys, mountains and rockstars. In fact, sometimes it can be downright frustrating.

Objectively, I find this fighting-with-myself rather amusing.

17 Sep 06 - Letter from Madurai 2: Bitch some more...

yah, i haven't been writing much. this is probably a combination of being very busy, and also freaking out a bit--i don't like to share my freak-outs all that much.

things here are pretty good, all things considered. it's 9:30pm on sunday and i'm in the office, which bodes poorly for my free time in india. fortunately, at least i had the whole day free-- upon leaving the house, i got on my forest-green one speed bicycle and turned left on the big road. i hadn't been left yet. i followed the road down for several kms, and watched the city fade away into nothing. all of a sudden i was in the country, surrounded by rice paddies and green fields, small schoolhouses and dirt roads, and in the distance, the western ghats, a striking mountain range that rises from the planes and divides southern india in two, like a spine. that was pretty cool. and i discovered a big vegetable market just down the road from my flat, on the otherside of the ice cream store.

you see, i haven't had much chance to get out in madurai. and i'm living alone in an empty apartment that still lacks a fridge and a stove and needs to be cleaned real bad. i asked the go-to guy here at people's watch if i could furnish it (out of my own pocket) and he acted like i was putting him out--why do you need furniture, he asked, and "you should thank me that you're getting a fridge." fuck that. so home life has been a bit isolating, and im still learning to do things for myself, like eat and sleep and use the toilet and travel around town. this world feels totally alien to me and i don't have anyone to show me how to do it. so it's all been trial and error.

And i had to kill a humungous fucking cockroach the other night. and spent my first night getting devoured by mosquitos--they don't use nets here--there's a product you buy which plugs into the wall and emits a repellent vapor, but of course i didn't have anyone to tell me about that, so i just had to figure it out. And most people don't speak more than very basic english (and when they do speak english they talk your frickin head off), and 95% of the signs are only in tamil.

This is all shit i can and will deal with, and it will get better once i become more accustomed and learn to do things, and learn some tamil. for the moment, however, it's just a pain in the ass. I wish i could say that i got off the plane in india, or got off the train in madurai and just loved, loved, loved it. but the fact is it's just so foreign and disconcerting. maybe i'm just getting old and inflexible. maybe i got to used to western culture and comfort in new york. or maybe i'm just got plunged down on mars with no one to hold my hand. i went to the touristy part of town today and ate lunch with a french backpacker. he was the first white person i'd interacted with in almost week. at least people in madurai, unlike delhi, are friendly and curious. but it's an awkward sort of friendliness, that's a lot overbearing in some ways. the whole--oh you're white, i want to be your friend, lets be friends right now, just like we've known each other our whole lives, and then we can write emails and talk on the phone and it will be just great! what country are you from? what religion are you? do you like india? i like india! let's be friends, ok???? ---And then there were the malicious fucking school kids in delhi who swarmed us by the side of the road. they ripped my pants and pushed us in traffic (crossing the road here is the most dangerous fucking affair ive ever seen). little bastards. and the one boy in delhi who i gave my address to, and he showed up at my hotel door at 7am one morning. we'd been out till 4am, but my roommate let him in and then all of a sudden i open my eyes and here's this 12 year old kid above my bed, staring at me expectantly, as if i was just going to jump right up out of bed and go play ball with him. and then maybe i'd take him back with me to america so he could see the statue of liberty and meet michael jackson.

I mean sheesh, what the fuck! cant a guy get a moment to himself here? but it's good and bad--like the old man who offered me some of his ladoo (a sweet ball of butter/sugar) on the temple steps this evening. that was a very nice gesture. i mean most things are well intentioned, it's just their ways that get to me. like the way southerners eat with their entire fucking hands and play with their food before shoving it into their mouths. it's just fucking gross, alright. i know i will get over it--i have to get over it. i want to learn to do it. but frankly, it's just fucking gross. and i can't stand most south indian food. north indian food is heavy but fine (i'm learning where to get it here in madurai), but i just dont dig most south indian food i've had so far. i felt really bad about this until yesterday when my north indian coworkers told be they don't like south indian food either.

also, i've had almost constant stomach trouble since i've been here (to greater or lesser degrees), and the beds are really hard. ok, this email has been a major fucking bitch fest. this is why i'm not writing emails--because every time i write to someone, it just turns into a bitch fest. I don't know whether i've ever had culture shock like this. it's kind of funny to step outside myself and watch, actually. just frustrating to live it.